fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Randomize
