im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
