this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
Randomize
