Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
Randomize
