I had to remind him that there is no "age exchange rate" between the u.s. and spain, and that 16 will always equal 16
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
