you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
Randomize
