The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Randomize
