Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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