i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
