I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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