saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
Randomize