Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize
