so all night Ive been that girl with her tits out @ the bar. I mean I dropped jaws, yo. But in a classy way.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
Randomize
