I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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