i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
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