Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
So gin and wine won't be happening again
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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