He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
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