just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
