This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
