Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
Randomize
