I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize
