saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
