Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
Randomize
