I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
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