i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
Randomize
