I think we should start referring to bisexuals as "strays"
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
Randomize
