totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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