i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
escape the fate? dumbest band name ever. how about escape the fart. now that is a show i would go see!
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
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