hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
