onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
Randomize
