I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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