so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
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