In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
