So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
Randomize
