Whod you bang
Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
