tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
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