I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Randomize
