Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
I'm so horny!
I'm so hungry
WHAT A TERRIBLE REPLY!
For your pussy...
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Randomize
