you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
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