Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
I think your dad took our porno
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
The air taste purple.
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