my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
Randomize
