Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Randomize
