Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
Randomize
