dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
Randomize
