Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
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