Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
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