No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
Was just grinding with my bio TA. She asked why i wasnt studying
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
