I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Randomize
