I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
