Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
Is it cum slut, cumslut or cum-slut? Sexting, plz advise ASAP
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
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