Boner jamz table deep. plus bar deep. wiing waing.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
Randomize
